Thursday, January 16, 2014

Writing Exercise #1

A foolish peacefulness filled our house that day.  My mother brought life to the kitchen, dousing my childhood in the nostalgic perfumes of cinnamon, vanilla, and cake flour.  Seventies music blared from the radio and we sang along when familiar words echoed from the speakers.  Spilled powdered sugar dusted our linoleum floor like the kind of candy snow children dream about when sugarplums and Santa Claus are wrapped up in shiny paper under a pine tree.
            “You’re getting very good at that,” my mother said, watching me crimp the crust of my pie.  I smiled, folding the excess dough around the tip of my finger and spinning the pan in a counter-clockwise circle, creating scallops not quite as uniform as my mother’s.
            She had her arm halfway in the mouth of the oven, placing our pies on the racks to bake when I heard a loud thud like someone had just kicked our front door.
            “What was that?”
            We walked out to our front porch and saw a white van across the road in the church’s gravel parking lot.
            “Someone probably hit another deer,” my mother said and sighed, taking a few steps forward to get a closer look. 
            I watched her head tilt with the curve of a question mark and suddenly her eyes widened.  Without a word, she ran, seeing the pile of metal scraps mangled beneath the nose of the van.  As always, I followed my mother’s actions, hurrying across the grass without knowing what I was running to.
           A man in a motorcycle jacket was sprawled out atop the gravel.  He wasn’t wearing a helmet. 

5 comments:

  1. Wow, this is a very powerful start! It begins very happy, but with the foreshadowing of "a foolish peacefulness"...I would maybe hint more at what age you are when this happens, but other than that I can't wait to find out what happens next!

    -Emily

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  2. Very powerful piece! You did a wonderful job of setting a pleasurable scene at the beginning and then hitting a hard, shocking note at the end. I agree with Emily about possibly hinting more toward what age you were when this occurred. Overall, I am very impressed with this scene and am looking forward to see what else you have in store.

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  3. Anessa,

    Agreeing with the commenters. You've got a good, sad set-up, and we want to know both more details about what happened, and then we'll want to see more reflection on:

    1. danger and intensity (wow, you were inspired by "Moving Water," for sure)
    2. how things like baking and violence can coexist, forcing us to consider both peace and pain at the same moment
    3. Your relationship with your mother
    4. your geographical place (country? churchy?)

    Those are all just ideas. You might want to go somewhere else with this.

    Really impressed. I'd like to talk with you about the beginning. It could potentially start more quickly, and you could be specific about, for instance, the 70s music. What song?

    DW

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  4. “You’re getting very good at that,” is a great line in your piece. Your mother says this because you are imitating her as best that you can, in both singing and making scallops. Then at the end, you again imitate your mother by running out to the man. I can’t help but feel like that this may lead to you reaching the same skill level as your mother or even becoming better at her than something, or even a role reversal.

    I really enjoy the scene itself, with the music and food, as it is something that is easily relatable to. I think finding connection with readers is important, as the readers are then put into your shoes and depending on what happens next, allows them to question whether or not they were able to make the same choices you make, assuming you make any.

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    Replies
    1. Good comment Greg. You're pointing something out about AW's relationship with her mother that I missed.

      DW

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